The extended holiday season often puts a spotlight on family stresses. Families don’t stay the same, they evolve over time. New babies are born, and little kids become big kids with commitments to their own activities and jobs. The traditional holiday vision of going over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house is often replaced by long flights or traveling in heavy traffic on interstate highways. Baby-boomers are called the sandwich generation because they have to create a balance between their responsibilities to their parents and the needs of their busy children and grand-children. Creativity and flexibility certainly help adapt holiday celebrations to current needs and circumstances.
This is especially so for families with aging parents who have had a recent health crisis or are declining because of advanced old age. My friend Sally noted that it was obvious to everyone that it was a terrible struggle for her mother Barb to prepare Thanksgiving this year. Not everything turned out as it should have. But, even if it is difficult or impossible to maintain holiday traditions, a change in the usual celebrations can be threatening for an elderly person because it represents another loss of control.
Rivalries among sibling can also ignite easily over such an emotional topic. Who decides what happens when the holiday can not be held at the usual time and place? How will you talk to your parents about changing the routine? What if more than one person has always wanted that special holiday platter? How can your family adapt?
First and foremost, evaluate the medical needs of the elderly member or members of your family. For example, Great-grandpa says he has to eat by four. Does that mean he must eat by four because he is diabetic or needs food with a medication, or does that mean he always catches the early-bird special at his favorite cafeteria? Would a snack at four tide him over until other family members can arrive at six? Or would a buffet instead of a sit-down dinner accommodate everyone? Even though an elderly person can perk up and enjoy a little extra activity on a holiday, consulting with the primary caregiver is the best way to decide how much activity to include.
My sister Hallie reports that she and her husband Jim spent their Thanksgiving with her 95 year old father-in-law at his assisted living facility. He enjoys taking guests to the dining facility and showing them off, and Hallie and Jim found it restful to do no cooking at all. They will host the family on Christmas Eve. My husband and I spent our first Thanksgiving as guests at our son’s girlfriend’s home with her family; then prepared another Thanksgiving meal that we transported to my 89 year-old mother-in-law’s home. My mother-in-law felt well enough to add her home-made applesauce to the menu, but found it relaxing not to have to shop or do the rest of the preparations.
While our own children were growing up, my family had its own solution to the holidays. Since our parents had passed away early, we didn’t always have holiday celebrations in the same city. We met two weeks before Christmas and spent the weekend together. We swam at the hotel pool and went to a special holiday show or activity. We did crafts and decorated cookies. We got to enjoy meaningful time with each other, and everyone was free to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas days with their in-laws. The “kids” are now in their twenties and thirties and several have families of their own. Knowing that holidays don’t have to stay exactly the same is helping all the generations to navigate the passages in our lives and keep holiday stresses to a minimum.
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