Are you in CONFLICT with yourself?
Do you sometimes find yourself doing things that you do not want to do, or that you should not do? Perhaps your difficulty is the opposite: not doing what you desire to do or should have done. These four troublesome situations produce internal conflict. Can we resolve this self-friction to achieve inner harmony and unity?
Sigmund Freud described personality as having three components: id, superego, and ego. While these terms have precise psychoanalytic meanings, there are simpler and more familiar terms: feeling, thinking, and doing. Mental distress is the result of conflict when our actions, our emotions, and our beliefs are divided.
Imagine your feelings to be in your heart, your thoughts in your head, and your actions in your whole body. It certainly makes sense to have your heart and your head in sync with your body. How often have you found your head (thoughts) to be at job site while you are vacationing, or your heart (feelings) elsewhere when attending an activity? You are missing a piece and are not in unity. Harmony and integrity require that we include both our desires and our beliefs in our behavior.
First are our feelings. While the philosopher Rene Descartes said: “I think, therefore I am,” I believe that humans are essentially emotional beings. Let us change this quote to...“I feel, therefore I am.” Certainly, an infant has feelings long before words and thoughts. Being in touch with your feelings is the starting line toward happiness. If you go to a restaurant and cannot figure out what you feel like eating, how can you expect to be satisfied? Life without awareness of our emotions is dull and lackluster.
Similarly, doing something against our conscious approval is problematic. We are never at ease doing something that is ethically or legally wrong. The wrongdoing is remembered long afterwards, and the results are a lower self-esteem as well as feelings of guilt, shame, or regret. We have become a head case with our internal conflict.
We need a balance of emotion, thought and action in our lives. Some persons are much too emotional at the expense of logical reasoning. Likewise, others are analysts and in comparison are emotionally inhibited and constricted. Some people are impulsive and rush in too quickly, whereas others take forever to do anything. Perhaps these problems will be addressed in future columns, but for now, let us focus on the friction that results when our feelings and our thoughts are out of balance.
There are four possible disruptions of the harmonious triad of emotions, beliefs, and actions. The FIRST is doing something you do not want to do. Your heart is not in it, and you are bored. Perhaps going to work or attending an undesirable social activity feels like drudgery. If you have no choice in the decision, the remedy is to have an attitude adjustment and put your heart into it. After all, this is a day of your life so why waste it? Usually the perception of the event is worse than the reality. One year my wife accepted a Thanksgiving invitation to be with our least favorite relatives. Since the decision had been made, I decided not only to make the best of it, but also to really put myself into it. Although it was not the greatest, it turned out to be pleasant. Look for something positive in an event. Consider, for example, all the benefits of your job: paycheck, vacation, insurance, socialization, structuring of time, stimulation, sense of worth, and lastly, since you may have to do it anyway, do it with gusto and pride.
The SECOND occurs when we desire to do something but don’t (or cannot) do it. Missing out on a potential highlight is frustrating. We may feel deprived or cheated. Sometimes it is because we choose not to spend the time or money. “Most of us live our lives as though we have another one in the bank” according to the late Malcolm Forbes Sr. Postponing gratification excessively is not wise; we must live our lives now. In life, we tend to regret more the things we did not do. Each of us has only a limited amount of time, money, and energy. Choices are made, and we must live with them. The key is to choose wisely to do those things that are most fulfilling.
The THIRD occurs when we do something we should not. This choice results in shame because we failed to behave according to our principles and have compromised ourselves. Our self-esteem is tarnished. It may be that our sense of ideal behavior is too harsh. Which of us has not indulged too much at a party or holiday gathering, or failed on yet another diet? The basic truth is we deplore deprivation, and hence all attempts at weight reduction based on elimination of our favorite foods will fail. In this case, occasionally permit yourself to indulge your human cravings in a limited fashion. Deviant behavior that violates others and all of society is another matter. Conformity is a necessary part of the social contract, and we must learn to tolerate the discomfort of doing without some things.
The FOURTH imbalance occurs when we fail to do what we ought to do. We feel guilt when we do not keep our word or when we let a friend down. Hopefully the consequences are minimal. If we habitually are duty deficient then our character and commitment need revision. If others are harmed by our inaction then an apology is required. If we find we are too severe on ourselves expecting perfection, then we must lighten up a bit. We are only human and occasionally skipping out of duty in the right circumstance is permissible.
How are we to resolve these inner conflicts? In general, in matters of work and business, it is best to do what one should; in play and leisure, one can do as he pleases. Play is not work, and leisure activities should not be a chore. Just because you have tickets to a particular event does not mean you have to go if you do not feel like it at the time. Many times there is no conflict at all, i.e., I am doing both what I want to do as well as what is right to do. However, what should we do if there is a division between the head and the heart? There are just two questions to ask yourself, and in this order. Is this what I want to do, and secondly, is this what I should do? Make a decision one way or the other. If you go with your heart, then tell yourself its ok to do so without incrimination. If you choose to go with your head, then put your whole heart into making that choice a success. Compromises do not work out very well because they provide only partial gratification accompanied with some frustration and guilt.
This concept of internal harmony has been promoted throughout the ages. About 3400 years ago, Moses told his people “Thou shall love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with all thy strength.” He didn’t say just a little bit or every now and then. Put your whole being in one direction. As Abraham Lincoln has said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” More recently, Mohandas Gandhi wrote “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
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"Are you in CONFLICT with yourself?"
authored by:
Dr. Mercier is a graduate of the University of Michigan and Wayne State School of Medicine. After his internship at Los Angeles County General Hospital, as a Navy physician he served one year in Vietnam with the Marines and earned a Bronze Star with ...
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